At some point during a divorce case, you may be facing a four-way meeting, sometimes referred to as a settlement discussion.  Your attorney may suggest this meeting, or your wife’s attorney may suggest it, but either way there is a good chance this meeting may occur during your divorce case.  These meetings are attended by you, your wife, and the two attorneys in your divorce case, usually early on in the process.  The purpose is to narrow down the issues, and deal with any short term disagreements that might result in having to go to court without such a meeting.  It’s not necessary in every divorce, but it is a fairly common approach early on in your divorce.  And even if it’s not court ordered, oftentimes these meetings are invaluable in resolving your case.

At the same time, we feel most of our clients are more nervous about a four-way meeting than going to see the judge. Let’s face it; for most divorcing people, the last thing they want to do is sit in a conference room across the table from their soon to be ex-wife and discuss their personal issues and disagreements. For people who have been victims of threats, intimidation, harassment, or other forms of domestic violence, meeting with the other party can be extremely scary. It may even be forbidden if there is a history of domestic violence or a personal protection order in place.  However, when it is appropriate, it can be very useful.

Here are some tips to surviving a four-way meeting:

Communicate with your attorney beforehand

You should avoid going into a four-way meeting without seeing your attorney first. It’s important for an attorney to hear your concerns, so they can provide clarification, protection, or validation. It’s also important for an attorney to develop an agenda with their client to make sure their time is used effectively. Finally, attorneys should be aware of their client’s expectations. Does the client want their attorney to take the lead, or should the attorney sit back and just listen? Does the client prefer to speak for himself, or should the attorney be speaking on their client’s behalf?  It is definitely beneficial to meet privately with your attorney before the four-way meeting.

Be effective

Only do or say those things which will be effective and help you move forward. Being effective means advancing toward goals which are consistent with your interests and principles. It might feel good in the moment to be critical, blame, or accuse, but that one sarcastic comment can undo a lot of hard work. Remember the big picture and your personal goals. Unless what you have to say helps you attain those goals, don’t say it.

Be respectful

The other person may not show it, but try to remember that a divorce is a very difficult transition for both of you, whether it’s emotional, financial, physical, or all of the above. Both of you are dealing with a number of changes in your lives, and often times it’s more difficult for one than the other. It’s unlikely that you will both be at the same emotional place at the same time. It’s even more unlikely that the two of you will be able to process information the same way and the same time. This requires both of you to have compassion and awareness. Sometimes you need to slow down. Sometimes you need to speed up. Be respectful. If your spouse has always been terrible with finances, don’t expect that person to be able to understand the detailed budget that you put together. If your spouse has historically procrastinated, he or she isn’t going to magically produce information before a deadline. Trying to rush or change the other person is not just disrespectful, but it’s also counterproductive.

Be a good listener

We cannot tell you the number of times we’ve been in a four-way meeting where both parties are arguing non-stop, and the attorneys had to intercede because neither one of them realized that they were both saying the same thing in different words. A four-way meeting is an opportunity to communicate face-to-face, without the potential miscommunication that so often happens over email or via text message. But that opportunity can only be fully realized when you listen and pay attention.

Think outside of the box

Focus on being creative. Why can’t you come up with a solution that solves both of your problems? Don’t be afraid to brainstorm potential options and develop as many choices as possible before shifting into an evaluative mode and choosing solutions. The potential for conflict should not lead to the avoidance of important issues. Conflict can be useful if it leads to a productive result and is handled sensitively. Think of it as an opportunity to come up with a great solution. Ask your attorney for ideas on how other people in your situation have handled these problems. Listen to what the other attorney has experienced. And don’t ignore the other side’s ideas, either.

Think about the other side

Despite what you may think, we saved the best tip for last. We tell all our clients that they need to think about the other person. Why? Because the way to getting what you want isn’t by telling the other side it’s what you want. It’s your job to convince the other side that what you want is best for him or her. That’s Negotiation 101. It’s all about the other side – what does he or she value, want, need? What’s the best way to approach the other party? Just because you’d want a settlement offer laid out in a certain way, does not mean that your spouse wants the same. In order to meet your goals, you have to convince the other person that they share those goals as well.

About ADAM (American Divorce Association for Men)

The American Divorce Association for Men (ADAM) is a group of highly qualified attorneys who advocate for men’s rights in divorce, child custody and parenting time, paternity, support, property settlement, post judgment modifications, and other family law matters. Since 1988, ADAM has been aggressive, diligent, and uncompromising when representing their clients. A team of compassionate and skilled family law attorneys, ADAM is dedicated to being Michigan’s leading divorce attorneys for men.